I know this much is true   

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Confession

...I was in a weird mood in my last post. I was probably up too late or up all night and wrote it in the morning...either way, I'm too lazy too look.

So I have been into sewing since 2011. Around that time, late into the year, is when I started finding more and more quilting sites, online fabric stores, Etsy, Craftsy, and my favorite: blogs. One of the first sites I found was Craftsy, and I purchased one of the first quilting classes they offered. No joke. There was like 5 to choose from, and now they have dozens :) Good for them, and good for me if I had the funds to purchase them all! Luckily there is so much variety, that I can take what I *really* want to learn.

I have sewn a few blankets, a baby quilt with minky on the back that I did really quilt per se, a bunch of tops-some with flannel, and I've been working on my first "real" quilt for a few years now.

My confession is that I have not EVER finished a quilt!! When I first started, I was a fiend. I "borrowed" the sewing machine I got my daughter for Christmas one year, hoping that she would find it fun, like I did when I was her age. That didn't really happen, so I must have known that some day I would be using it when I purchased it. It's a simple Singer with like 30something decorative stitches. It's really all I need.

Two years ago, I really wanted a free motion foot for my machine. My Mom wanted to get it for me (I don't remember the details or why she did it) so she went to the closest Joann. They have a Viking store in the middle that sells sewing machines and parts. They told her the foot would mess up my machine, the tension would be off, and I would have to get it serviced. Now, at this time I have only been learning for about 6 months. It freaked me out. Everyone makes tension sound really scary. I've been really scared, up until around the past Christmas when I was checking out my manual, and figured out where the ?bottom tension was. I was taking apart my machine to clean it, and I totally figured out it was some tiny screw-slot that held my bobbin thing together. I can't believe I was so scared of this, and I found out where it was. They made it sound like it was in the soul of my machine, and I'd never be able to get to it!!!

Now, I haven't actually messed with it much, but I *am* setting it up this week, and going to practice some FMQ so I can quilt my first *real* quilt. I say "real" because it's 100% quilting cotton. Some of my other tops have flannel in it because my Grandma made most of our quilts (the later ones before she stopped quilting 15 or so years ago), with flannel. We live in Michigan, and the winters are cold. The first quilt I got that was *all mine* was mostly yellow patchwork. I love it so much. My sister got a pastel blue color. Then she made me a pink one to match my room. I literally hated to wear pink growing up, but for some reason I gravitated towards pink for my bedroom colors. SO weird. I didn't even like pink that much. I think I picked it so I wouldn't be the same as my sister. Then I also have a gray quilt with some blue and pink fabric in it. I'm not sure who *owns* it, but I've had it on my bed for awhile. She had a cedar closet that my Grandpa made for her, and she kept her supplies in. When you took home your quilt, it smelled SO GOOD. I've read that cedar isn't the best to keep quilts in, but pooh on that. It isn't an heirloom and I will adore that smell for the rest of my life! My Grandpa passed in March 2007. My Grandma is still alive, but has had Alzheimer's since he has passed. We think she had the start of it before my Grandpa got sick. It's hard to tell, because sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between someone getting older and someone that is getting dementia. They practically raised us in the summers when my parents were at work. We were over there every weekend growing up. My other set of grandparents died before I was born, so they are very special people in my life.

Later after I'm checking my 564 emails, I will be linking up my *first* real quilt! I just didn't want this story attached to the post. It's so embarrassing to admit! I feel like there is going to be a major change in my life soon, and I welcome it! I've been stagnant for way too long, and I'm excited for a change.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

April: Spring, bunnies, chicks, eggs, baskets, pretty, presents, candy, hopeless futures, failure.

I'm scrolling through the emails on my phone that have been left unattended to for a few days. I get a lot of blogs sent to my phone so I don't miss something. That doesn't matter, because I feel like I miss something anyway. I find that Bloglovin is stupid and slow on my computer, and annoys me. I don't like Feedly. It's ugly and stupid, and makes you pay for a subscription to SEARCH for a term like "skirt" in your blog list. I feel like I begrudgingly allowed Google to hook it's tentacles into my computer parts when I allowed to access to "see" what I do on my computer for it's analysis, and then once it figured out how much I really liked Google Reader around and forgot about it spying on me, it posted it's breakup with me all over town! How hard is it for Google to maintain such a small simple thing as a generic blog reader? I don't get it at all. If he thinks I want his new and "improved" cousin G+, then he is sadly mistaken. His cousin rolled in like he was going to be this super suave big-time incredible thing that ever happened to my life, but in reality he just messed up my blogger comments and whenever I see him, I just get a taste of total regret on the back of my tongue and my nostril starts to twitch into a snarl. Talk about a major disappointment.

So I'm seeing WAY too many posts on colored eggs, pastel ribbons, newborn baby bunnies and chicks, and cookies. Yeah right, ok-so not really the cookies, but this Easter-before-the-month-of  annoys the hell out of me. I like to linger in the holiday that is actually happening. In craft world, you are always living for Next Time. These must be the same people that work in small chain drugstores that started that whole thing.

Did you know that Easter is NOT about bunnies or chicks, pastels, baskets, eggs or candy?! My generation of late 70s-early 80s kids totally changed the world, by changing the actual meaning of holidays. Or maybe it was our parents. Most of the time I don't know the reasoning behind it. I'll start at the top of the year to show you exactly what I mean.

Jan: New Years Day. Not much happens. Sometimes you have a baby-sitter while your parents go out. You sometimes have a week off school left to enjoy.  The rest of the month is half days for Presidents Day. Don't ask me why, because I don't know. I think MJK's birthday is thrown in there.  Or maybe it's next month. I'm not looking it up. In school we trace our hands or cut out construction paper that's already traced and make a pic to represent a pink hand holding a black hand. Equality is being molded in our small little minds. This is a good thing. In a couple of generations we won't even need to cut out hands anymore. It will just be that way.   *** A lot of people home school. I never knew that before I started reading blogs.

Feb: UGH. Vday. If you are not in a new relationship, this day is pretty much a major let down. If you don't have someone, you feel bad about yourself...until you get older (and I mean older than 30) and realize that you like yourself much better than the "men" that populate your current location. Then you secretly celebrate by taking a bubble bath, eating a mini box of chocolate and watching a movie that YOU want to watch as gross thoughts enter your mind like: millions of couples are doing it all over, and I'm so glad that's not me right now, haha. (because I'm totally relaxed from my bath). As kids, you make a card for everyone in your class and pass them out. required cards equal no losers back then. You have a class party.You get excited because you only get juice to drink, and everyone's Mom knows Hawaiian Punch is where it's at. Even if it's canned Hi-C it's still pretty great.  It's also Black History Month. There is probably an assembly and more time off school in honor of that.

March-Spring starts/Winter ends. 17: is St Pat's Day. Do you even know who that is? But we all wear green and pinch people that forget to. Even if we aren't Irish. BUT kids aren't allowed to pinch anymore. I'm glad I was able to grow up a pincher. And creepy little Leprechauns. Did you know that you are supposed to hide gold coins to find in your house now? I didn't until last year!!!!  Sometimes Easter is in the month.  Which means Ash Wed was about a month ago. Which means nothing if you aren't Catholic.

....Unless you have a kid named Ash, which I happen to do, and when they ask you what it means when they are checking out the calendar, then you get to make up a ridiculous story to tell them. Like, all Ashleys are made on that day and special people are picked to be their parents. It's like a clone experiment, but you get to pick out exactly how your kid is going to look. The government only picks a few people and it's top secret. So if you tell people about it they won't believe you. For a few years they think about this until they realize you make up ridiculous stories like that habitually for fun, never to be mean.  Before they catch on, you can make references to that date all year-round.. Like: Ugh. I knew I should have went with red hair on Ash Wed., or I hope my Ashley will be taller than me. The Gov. said you would be. *this makes sense when you get to June.

Easter: Not about bunnies, chicks, eggs, pastel colors, cute things, baskets, hiding colored eggs, the Easter Bunny or candy. I'm not sure how getting a small basket of jelly beans and a tiny stuffed rabbit turned into the 40$ monster baskets you see at Walmart. Kids get crazy presents now. I remember when the Dime Store went out of business in my town. My parents actually gave us baby albino bunnies on Easter once. I was about 4 going-on 5, and my sister was about 2 going-on 3. They pooped constantly all over the house when we took them out of their cage, so we only had them for a few weeks. This was something my Dad could not live with, I guess. After realizing the Easter Bunny was a bad mother and couldn't even take care of her kids, and counted on me to be a surrogate mother, my 4 year-old self had failed, as well. A few years later, and definitely not enough time had passed, we found out my "uncle" Gary ate them. He ATE them. My pet rabbits. His father had always raised rabbits to eat, and I remember going over there once to see them before we got the bunnies. My uncle was definitely drinking too much beer when he told us and said it so seriously we didn't believe him.  Then it hit, because I remember his Dad's house and his backyard of rabbits, and we believed him. We were definitely a bit traumatized that we let down the Easter bunny (mother) and allowed her kids to be eaten by my hungry "uncle". I was like 7 when I found this out. So I definitely felt super guilty about this, for a long time. My mom was one of those parents that said " little kids lie, and they don't know what they are talking about, that Santa and EBun is real", and I believed her because she was my Mom. I was like 12 when I let myself realize they weren't real. And she still wouldn't tell me. I don't think she ever has admitted this yet.

April: Spring! Easter! Sometimes a late snow storm or a heat wave.

May 3: My bday. Bring cupcakes to school and cans of Hawaiian Punch!
Memorial Day weekend. We get a day off to get together for a BBQ at my Grandparents house.
June: SUMMER VACATION!!!
      27: My sister's Bday.
     * on June 11, 96 my little Ashley was born 3 days after my junior year. This was before Teen Mom, so I didn't know any better (sarcasm).

July:  4th....too hot to do anything but swim. We didn't have central air until I was 20. My parents had a tiny one in their bedroom that Ash got to sleep in every hot night. I could sleep on the floor when it was super hot. Imagine being trapped in a 10x10 room with 3 people that snore like bears.  Guess who was the loudest? me. I was born without a fully developed trachea. This is the theory on why I snore (for real. My mom actually got a nurse fired after the nurse showed my 19 year old Mom all the babies with tracheotomies. My Mom freaked out and was inconsolable. I was her first and her mom just passed away from breast cancer) Anyway, if I ever have to sleep in a public situation I spit this out when people tell me I snore loud. As if it's their fault I snore loud. Their attitude changes when they realize it is congenital. 5 feet tall and 100 pounds, I was the loudest snorer in the room.

We didn't go on many vacations. We went to Tennessee to visit extended family a few different times. And the car trip from MI to SC-Myrtle Beach. That was when bright tie=dyed one piece bathing suits with the stomach and back cut out, but the sides were still attached, were cool. That was the first time I realized that I was fat. This came from my mother who said...maybe we need to get you a new kind of bathing suit. You are getting heavy. And I look down at the pink exposed rolls and get really mad. Why was I allowed out of the house if this is what I looked like? This is a turning point in my life and this is what I hear every day for the rest of my life.

August: Again more hot weather, but we're getting ready for the good months ahead. School starts, and we get to get school supplies, and some new clothes and shoes. Woo!t! Kmart sweat pants and trapper keepers

Oct: HALLOWEEN!!! Glow sticks just came out and are super cool, but they also promote safety, in case a car decides to drive on the sidewalk and they can see you are real, by the super cool glow stick you have around your neck. Sadly these only last about a day. You wear a costume suit made out of plastic with your favorite character. Berenstein bears, care bears, superman, ninja turtles..you pick. It came with a flimsy mask with elastic thread stapled on, to hold it on your face. You could never really see out of the eye slits very good. You had to be careful, because the elastic usually breaks by the end of the night. Candy, candy, candy. My second favorite holiday. Thank you, starving mischievous kids from hundreds of years ago. You are awesome.

November: Thanksgiving. People had dinner, and it was mostly Turkey. We usually visited family. Once my Mom did Thanksgiving at our house when I was 5 and she said "never again". She kept that promise for over 20 years. Cool Parade on tv

December: Christmas.Cool Parade on tv. We got a big gift from Santa, and some other gifts that were stuffed animals, books, clothes, and other toys from my parents.  I got a Super Nintendo in 7th grade, and that was a huge gift. Because we loved my Aunt's waterbed so much, my parents got us waterbeds when I was in the 4th grade. It was so random and I loved it. I'm positive it was not taken care of properly. But if you don't have AC in the summer, then that is the best thing to lay on, to sleep. The heater gets turned off, and the water bed gets super cold. The winter is the best, because you can crank the heat up, and I'm pretty sure it's like sleeping in a womb.

I named all those events. I left some out, like the Super Bowl, Mother's and Father's Day, and others that I'm probably totally forgetting about. We never decorated. If we did, it was the kids who made stuff, and our parents let us hang it up. My Mom didn't sew us up elaborate costumes or place mats. We dyed eggs using a box setup. She doesn't have an area that she changes for the season. She didn't participate in that creepy hiding Elf ,or leperchaun coins. I'm pretty sure I would have been terrified of leprechauns coming into our home. Plus in 8th grade a bully used to call me that because I'm short and have red hair.

.... Now I realize he had special emotional problems. He had to pick on the weakest quietest person to feel better about himself. He probably shouldn't have tried to keep trying to hang out and be friends with the popular crowd. If they were in a bad mood and the bully was annoying, he would get called the F word,  and then I knew my day was about to be ruined.  Because he was always in 4 out of 6 of my classes.  The F word is the worst insult anybody could be called, at my school.  When you think about it, there are SO many worse things to be called. Like, my best friend and I, used to call this kid Cat Molester in the 7th grade. I guess they were just trying to break down people, until they magically confessed they were the F word. I really do live by some really dumb people.

Oops sorry for that rant....So Christmas: We decorated our tree with ornaments we made at school. (we still do). We have stockings with our names glitter-glued on.  But we understood that Santa didn't have an endless sack of toys to bring to us.  I honestly see the next generation of kids and newborns completely losing their shit, because they can keep up their real lives with their Pinterest Boards. That causes major anxiety and depression, folks! When is it reality, and when does it become so much work that you can't enjoy the moment, because you are blogging about the next-next holiday?

 I'm the kind of Mom that thinks a blow up Alien is the coolest thing to have, and tells their kid it comes alive at night.  And that their boyfriend visits from a spaceship and tells her when he will be visiting. My kid was born with extreme skepticism. She knew if she squinted her face at me that it only took me 3 seconds until I laughed and blew the whole scam. She stopped believing my stories at age 5, but that didn't stop me from trying.

(For some reason, I don't care about the rest of the holiday decorating, but Easter really irritates me. Most holidays are created by religion or tradition. How in the hell did a Bunny take over America to represent when JC came back to life after being brutally murdered? That is my interpretation of it. I'm not religious, but I believe in God and I'm spiritual. I'm VERY open minded, but this one makes my socks stink. It's just crazy.)

That's why I sew.  Or try to. I love looking at blogs. It is very time consuming, but I like to do it. People will link up 8 quilts and a new out fit they made for every month.  It's taking me a few months to complete something. And obviously I don't really blog about it. I sort of feel like I don't measure up. But then again, I don't really care all that much to change. I don't have an audience to feed. I don't feel the need to make a pattern that has been made SO many times before. I have seen 3 new Plus X patterns out this month. How hard is it to make a bunch of +s? Especially since a really big name just released that pattern. I don't want to be a person that puts out unnecessary duplicated crap. No offense, because I really don't mean to be mean about it. I'm talking about myself. I haven't found my niche at all. I only have myself to blame. I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of being frustrated and wasting my time (and money). I don't want the pressure of it. I'm afraid of not being able to "keep up". I would love to be friends with the quilter people in blog land. I just don't have the money to keep up. I'm in a weird point in my life that I didn't plan for. I went to college, and now i don't know if I want to be a nurse anymore? I should be doing it, but I'm not ready, so I better make a decision quick because I can't live like this anymore.

I would seriously love to sew with free fabric all day long. Sometimes I get so jealous of that. I want a box of  free fabric shipped to my house. When I see people with a fabric pile that weighs more than my body, and I have a pile that won't complete one quilt, that makes me super jealous. I realize *I* have to make some decisions so *I* can have bolts of fabric to create magic with.  Because I have it in my mind, but it's hard to draw on paper, and it's even harder for me to buy. I find that my biggest problem is deciding what pattern I want to use with the fabric. I have a coveted Nordika collection that I don't know what to do with.

My Goal for this month is to make that a plan. I will have a plan/pattern on what to do with that fabric. I will also finish my Washi dress. I'll talk about that later. I can't believe for the first time in my entire life, I'm upset because my bust is too big.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

what's happenin'

Today is one of my favorite days of the year. It's my best friend's and another good friend's birthday! They are some of my favorite people :)

I have been thinking a lot and I want this year to be a lot different. At the best, I have been sluggish in life. I have taken this horrible thing that has happened and destroy me. I really am a figment of who I used to be. There is some positive things about that,  but a lot more negative things. So this is the year to get it back! It's hard when you reach an age where you think you are "old". I feel like it's too late, and it's never too late!

On Thursday I went to Joann's to get a new cutting mat. I have a 15% coupon I have all the time for substitute teaching I can use. I haven't been there in so long that I don't think I renewed my coupon. BUT I had my little flyer of coupons that gets mailed to me every few weeks that had a 15% off crafts. It had a couple of exclusions, but I thought almost everything would count except for my fabric (because they had a 15% fabric coupon that starts today). I had a mat, a rotary cutter, some triangle rulers (in one pack), 3 yd of fabric for my Washi dress, some Pellon Interfacing, and a pack of bobbins. I spent 3 hours in the store debating if I wanted to buy a $13 18x24" mat compared to a 24x36" mat. I couldn't figure out that math that my board was half the size of the bigger board, which was $25. I decided to go with the smaller one because I cut on the "puzzle board", that came from a kitchen counter cut out from the sink. The bigger board was too big to cut on without going off the wood. I could just see bad things happening.

My car spent the night at Joann's because there is something wrong with the battery. I called Esurance's Road Side Emergency service. I was very irritated for a lot of reasons. 1) It was starting to snow, the wet heavy kind, and it was freezing outside. 2) They said it would take 50-90 minutes! 3) I have shitty friends and need to make new ones 4) No one could come help me 5) Esurance will only send out ONE service!! EIther you get gas OR a jump. I requested gas because I had jumper cables.  I couldn't believe it. He did put some gas in, and he acted like he didn't know if he was supposed to be paid or not. I gave him a $10 and just wanted to get home, and told him to put in ten bucks worth so I didn't have to stop for gas. JUST incase it was out of gas. The guy was around 50ish and had really chapped lips that might have been a cold sore, that I tried not to look at because I know that I looked 16. I was wearing my glasses, no makeup, and an owl hat. I just look like a kid. I know that he knew how much gas he was supposed to give me. He came in an Auto Recovery truck with a light on top of it. So he got out his little portable battery machine. It didn't work because those are crappy. He wouldn't listen to me that he needed to leave it on for a few minutes. He said my gas froze in my line. Thankfully my Mom left work and came and took me home. It took 3 hours to warm up, and my muscles were sore from shivering.  The next day Dad and me went out there, used my jumper cables, and it started right up. It wasn't cold enough either day for the gas to freeze in the line for the 3 hours I was in the store.

Like everyone else in BLog Land, I have some goals.

This month I want to complete my Washi dress and decide what I am going to do for my Nordika quilt. I also want to use my Pink Castle Fabric coupons to get some Rapture fabric. I can't believe it's taking THIS LONG to get it. I was thinking flying geese or stars. I need to just pick already.

I have quilts to make for
-Dad
-Ash
-Mom
-Aunt Debbie (I should also make one for my Uncle Ted and Uncle Henry while I'm at it)
-Brett
I have a baby quilt to quilt and bind that's ready to go.

I also want to make more skirts and dresses. I will get more specific in the future and share what I'm making of course. This post was just to get some stuff out of my mind. I also want to start journaling more, and I think I'm going to write through my blog. I don't really care if people read it or not. I want to connect with my followers more. I also want to participate in more blog hops that have to do with quilting or sewing. It's time to get going already and stop being shy! I feel SO boring and uninteresting it's really pathetic.

I have some vintage sewing books I want to post about. I am going to start my Washi dress today, so maybe if I get something done, I'll have something to show you later! Or at least tomorrow! Hope you all have a great weekend!

Friday, January 3, 2014

Happy New Year

So I suck at blogging.  I have already planned to take my blog back to recording my sewing projects. I have not started any quilts or dresses in SOO long. Last October I took some sewing to my LQS, and I took my cutting mat. I left it in the car and it warped. I tried to set really heavy things on my pool table in the garage to kinda warp it back into shape, but that failed. I asked for one for Christmas, and thought I was getting it, so I didn't rush out to get one. Well, I did not get one for Christmas and it has been snowing for 3 days with a wind chill. So of course I haven't ventured outside to go get one. I plan on doing that today hopefully.

I had a great Christmas. It's always hard when you lose a family member, especially if they are in your immediate fam. My sister passed in 2010, and this is the first Christmas that I have felt ok about celebrating. It's really hard to enjoy a holiday when a major piece is missing. It's not like that are coming later, or live too far away. She's gone and won't be coming back. I think about her every day and I miss her a lot. I'm sure we would have been best friends later on in life.

So I asked for a dress form and an extension table for my basic sewing machine. I ended up getting both! Plus that cute mint cart from Ikea that everyone has (or wants). I built the dress form and sewing cart myself! My kid has been sick for most of her vacation with this horrible cough. I have quarantined myself into my bedroom so I don't get it. I've been realllllly lazy and have spent most of my vacation reading in bed. I have to clean my room tomorrow and reorganize everything. I was planning to do it AFTER I bought the mat, so I would get some inspiration (or major caffeine from Starbucks) to move some stuff around.  There is a Starbucks across the street from Joann's. I also got some gift certificates to Pink Castle Fabrics, and I want to get some Rapture by Pat Bravo. It is SO pretty! I also got the Washi Dress pattern by Made By Rae, and I'm hoping that I can buy a FQ bundle and have some left over for a dress!

I checked out a bunch of books on making patterns, other dress making books (Colette!!!) and a TON of novels. I have been using my Goodreads app to find books I would want to read, so I don't have to go through the aisles looking for something interesting. I could easily spend like 5 hours in the library looking for books. After this bunch of books, I plan on sewing. I haven't done any free-motion quilting, but I plan on learning that this week. I just have a bunch of stuff to do to make that happen and that's what I plan on doing this weekend!

Monday, November 18, 2013

getting better

I'm feeling a bit better this week.  I actually have kept a log of what I have eaten/drank. I just need to exercise, drink more water, stop drinking Coke, and I'm well on my way. I've lost 3 pounds from my doctor office weight. I feel a lot of this is extra water weight, while my meds are being adjusted.

I have been keeping a tiny notepad on my nightstand, so I can keep notes. It's been helping me focus a bit better.

I've read 3 fiction books this past week, so I feel like I'm actually doing something, instead of watching tv. I also have dressmaking and pattern making books checked out. I'm learning SO much. I'm still bummed that I'm STILL not better since I got sick last weekend. I missed a skirt making class that I've been obsessing about for MONTHS. I also have a book out on making bags. I never had an interest, until I had the idea that I can make bags to match my dress!

I have over 3K email. I've erased the entire thing TWICE. The first time I used my iPhone, and thought I reversed something to make all the email magically reappear, like the hour I just spend deleting all that email didn't exist.  So it took about another week to get over that, and I tried it again. I pressed trash, exited out, and saw I had 300 emails to read. Pretty good from over 3000. Then I noticed about 15 minutes later all the email came back again!! So I'm going to have to do this manually on my laptop. The bad thing, is I get really distracted and start 5 different side projects while I'm doing it.  I find that I need to reorganize my pinboards, and transfer all my bookmarks to pins, that way I have more memory (or whatever it's called. I don't care, i just want my computer to run faster). Then I find that I need to blog about 5 different things, while entering giveaways and checking Instagram on my phone.  It's been a difficult task. That's what I get for abandoning my laptop for a month.

I KNOW that I'm going to be unsubscribing to a lot of crap emails I get, and try to figure out a better way to read my blogs.  Some blogs I haven't even seen since Google Reader died. On my iPhone, i can only load a few pages of blogs. So 10 blogs at a time. I subscribe to like 8000 or something, because I have a lot of different interests.

Thanks for reading this rant. I promise I'll be more interesting next time. After cleaning out my computer, I'm going to start on my room. So I can start sewing presents. It's been fun seeing what other people make.

Monday, November 11, 2013

The past month

I haven't opened up my laptop. I just didn't FEEL like it. For the first couple weeks, I was pretty good at going through my email. Then around the 4th week, I had almost 2,000 to go through. I deleted more than 900 during my first sweep through them. It was a bit more than my iphone could handle, and I did something that REVERSED that process and I got back my junky email. Oh, thank you Apple, because of all other things to mess up, email isn't one of them. grumble grumble.

Because I could only delete somewhere between 50 & 100 at a time, I reluctantly decided to open my laptop and get back to business...because that number is driving me insane. I get over 100 email a day. Thank YOU Google (not-anymore-reader).

But you know what? I'm not stressed about this blog. I don't care if I didn't get around to writing something. I have been using it as a : GO DO this already, pathetic girl.

Something happened mid-month that is horrible beyond belief. It's a very private issue that I haven't talked about on my blog, but it's serious. It has nothing to do with rape, so don't get to worried there. The only person it hurts is me...and maybe the people who really care about me, but in the end, it really just effects me. So now that's been almost a month ago, and last week I started getting hives again. That happened way earlier this year when Spring was trying to emerge as winter was clinging on. I guess the temperamental season changes doesn't help this much. I was SO SICK this past weekend. I even missed my skirt class that I have been dying to attend since this past summer. Like I have $50 to waste. I'm so pissed, and I really hope I get to work out something, that I can take another class at a different time. I fell asleep 5pm Friday and woke up around 4pm on Sunday. I slept through Saturday.

I know I'm depressed. I know that it's a situational depression that really is dependent on how this will play out. I see a Dr at least once a month. She's aware of this and has been prescribing me meds for this for over 3 years.

I know that I've gained a bunch of weight and am HATING it.

I know that I have too many mind-numbing activities going on.

What I can do: I have a treadmill on loan. Right now it came possessed, and I have to figure out how to run/fast walk on a few inclines without going from 2 to 8 incline and from 2 to 9 speed. There is no way in Hell, I can attempt something like that any time soon.  I don't have a goal because I have NEVER worked out before. I figure if I can lose 10 pounds and increase my metabolism, it will be a win-win.

Changes have been made so I have fresh veggies, and sometimes fruit on hand so I can eat that instead of cookies.

I am quitting Coke. This is one of the hardest things I've had to do. It's ALWAYS there. There really isn't an option to get this out of the house.  I'm thinking on ways to do it though.  I drink sweetened tea instead. This is the same sweetened tea that I've drank ALL my life (when I wasn't drinking coke) when I've weighted 90 pounds, so I'm not too worried about cutting EVERYthing down to water and carrot sticks. Tea is good for you.

I need to start journaling. Which is different than blogging. I want to buy a new notebook for this. I also want to start a Fitness journal, where I record what I'm eating and drinking and how much I exercise.  Just to keep track of where something might be going wrong.

I need to start SEWING again. Just because I don't have a backing for a quilt, isn't a good excuse not to put together the top.

I need to start making a real effort to be friends with the friends that I have. I tend to isolate and not keep promises....which makes me go back to feel bad about myself...vicious cycle.

I REALLY hope that I can take a different class. I didn't feel right about going in with a super high fever and fever spots/hives. I guess we will see tomorrow. If not, I'll just act like I donated to a good cause. Because I like that spot and I don't want to get bitter over it. It's not worth it.

I have good things going for me, if I work for them. I also need to find something new to read. I love to read about ANYthing I find interesting.  From the non-fiction, biographies, sewing books sections to just about anything from Stephen King to David Sedaris in fiction.

I think anything good to battle the anxiety and depression that I'm having is good for me. The only thing I can do is pray and wait for a (hopefully good) answer.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Government Shut Down Hurts Everyone



I'm going to copy and paste the email I received from the White House. Did you know that House Republicans have voted over 40 times to try to sabotage Obama Care? As a nurse, I'm ashamed that I don't know much about Obama Care yet. I know the goal is for every American to have health insurance at a low cost and affordable. What I think, is that there is a lot of fear of the unknown. We should have put this into place 30 years ago, but that didn't happen. Now that tons of people are getting sicker and have chronic diseases, which costs billions of dollars, it's like stepping into an impossible problem. Obama Care isn't going to be perfect. It's an initial attempt to try to bandage an hemorrhaging problem. It's like putting a bandaid on a gunshot wound. It's going to take years to get all the bugs out. I don't understand why the House Republicans are so against it, but they are seriously effing with innocent people, and that's what makes me angry.  Here is the initial letter I received from the White House a few hours ago:

(insert image of White House that didn't copy)

If the United States government shuts down tonight and our economy takes a hit, it will be because House Republicans let it happen.
Right now, there's a bill sitting in the House that funds the government for a few more weeks. It doesn't demand the repeal or delay of the health care law, or deny women access to birth control, or include any other failed, partisan proposals. It funds the government. That's it. And if Republican leadership allowed a simple yes or no vote on this bill -- like the Senate has -- it would get enough support from members of both parties to pass.
Instead, the government that these Republicans were elected to fund will close down and that will hurt our economy. Americans across the country won't be allowed to show up for work. Paychecks could be delayed, meaning some folks will have to cut back on groceries or maybe even not pay a few bills. Businesses will have fewer customers. Veterans won't get services they rely on -- and it will put benefits for seniors at risk.
Even though they've already voted over 40 times to defund or delay the health care law, this group of Republicans in Congress is so obsessed with the idea of sabotaging Obamacare that they're willing to take the economy hostage to do it.
President Obama has said time and time again that he's willing to work with folks on both sides of the aisle to grow our economy and even improve the health care law. But using the threat of government shutdown or defaulting on the bills our country owes is reckless and irresponsible.
In fact, shutting down the government won't stop Obamacare. The Health Insurance Marketplace will still open for business starting tomorrow, without delay.
Washington needs to stop manufacturing crises and focus on the issues that matter: creating jobs and building a strong middle class. Taking our economy over the cliff just to score political points isn't fair to the millions of Americans who show up every day to work and do their jobs. It’s time for Congress to do its job.
David
David Simas
Deputy Senior Advisor
The White House
@Simas44 
P.S. -- You'll still be able to sign up for affordable health insurance onHealthCare.gov starting tomorrow, shutdown or no shutdown.
Visit WhiteHouse.gov
This email was sent to ksmith8@emich.edu.
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Please do not reply to this email. Contact the White House
The White House • 1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW • Washington, DC 20500 • 202-456-1111


What are your thoughts on this? 

Dear Rant Letters and Government Anarchy

Dear Google:
Thanks for making great products so I become your fan, then take them away so I hate you. Just to let you know I liked my Home Page just the way I liked it. Instead of teal and butter yellow, I see white. If I wanted it to look like that, then I wouldn't have spent hours looking through the Chrome Web Store to change the background. I'm not even going to touch on the fact that you have killed my blog reading by murdering Google Reader. Let me tell you my back ups: 1. Bloglovin (stupidest name in the world, dare I go on?) that doesn't have a search function. It's basically useless. 2. Feedly...that expects me to do this: PAY for a premium account ($5 month or $45 year)so I can SEARCH through the blogs I follow. Shouldn't that be FREE? It was in Reader. They didn't feel that they had to charge. Do you really think I'd pay $45 a year to search through some blogs I can get emailed to me? Or I can bookmark? How are you doing on that? That's what I hate about this country. People will pay $45 to be EXTREMELY lazy instead of paying for entire village to have fresh food, water, schooling, shelter and clothing. Because a clean well drilling costs that much in Madagascar.

So a big Screw You Too. I will never buy any of your products until you remedy this situation...and even then, it would have to be spectacular. Like the only thing you have going good is Maps. Don't screw that up.

Screw You Too,
karrie


Dear Government:

You fucking suck. That's what I have to say to you. I hope each one of you that is holding shit up, gets electrocuted in your chair when you go back to work. And I will try my damnedest to bring a bill that kicks these old ass people out of Congress. You need to retire. You are effing up the world worse. I hope you all die or retire. Stop screwing around. You are literally killing people.

Signed,
Anonymous
-duh, have you seen Hostages this week?

Dear Charter Schools,

You are creating the worst kind of people. I hate your schools, and I will never sub for you again, unless I'm desperate.

I hate you the most today

Karrie Smith


So last week I went back to "work". My job is substitute teaching. Why not nursing? Because I'm scared. So here's what happened: I forgot how much I am generally annoyed by kids that live in a 50 mile radius of me, especially in a large group. This kid, who would rather spend time arguing with me instead of doing the task at hand, ended up locking me out of the classroom DURING MY LUNCHTIME. Someone usually unlocks it in the morning, and I close it at the end of the day. This kid waiting 4 minutes while a kid was changing his shoes. When we were going out the door, he tells me he has to change his shoes, I say Oh Well. Then don't get your shoes dirty. I have 25 kids to get to lunch that we are already late for. As he stares at me and is waiting for the Common Sense Wand to hit him in the head. So if you don't know: THey had Gym that day, and they were uniforms. I don't know why either pair mattered much, but oh well. I told him: You can come back up with me I guess and get them. Because I didn't want to get in trouble after I had a minute to think it over. There were two boys that were pushing my buttons like this for 4 hours already this morning, with a brief 45 minutes of Gym that I had to meet with the other 5th grade teachers for No Identifiable Purpose-this was a new thing for me. I NEED alone time.

 Since the very beginning of class, I had already sent the other one to a different classroom BEFORE lunch  because he was constantly doing something he wasn't supposed to be doing. It was really wearing on me. All I wanted was a piece of quiet and my lunch.  So after I took the kids to the lunchroom, I had to go back with Shoe Boy so he could change his shoes, then walk ALL the way back (I really regretted this decision but I figured it would taken him 3 minutes like the other kid that was going so slow) When you are late for Lunch, they get mad. But I understand. When you cut 3 minutes from their 12 minutes of sit down time, that's a quarter for their time. When I get back AGAIN (to be alone and regroup), he shut the door and locked me out.

So I went to the office to get the key again. This lady, who in retrospect I shouldn't have assumed was a busybody assistant, asked me how I was, and I said it just keeps getting worse. Because by this point, I ran down the school and flight of stairs for a 4th time (going on 5), only had a few minutes left of lunch and was getting sweaty (read my prior post. I'm basically like a plant potted into my bed). She was like "No this is important if you are having a bad time"-so I just said, No I just got locked out and it's my lunch. (I didn't want to be bothered by her one second more) So then the kid comes back that I kicked out, and he's fooling around. The assistant I have is at lunch. (ugh) The classroom I sent him to is empty. (double UGH)  So I sent him to an empty seat in front of the class because he kept fooling around with the other boy. So I sent him out in the hall to do his math, and then he says "my head hurts" So I said "maybe it wouldn't hurt so much, if you weren't fooling around". Well, I guess she heard that. So she pulled me aside, and told me she was sending me home because they don't speak like that to the kids. And they always listen when a kid says that. OH, and that the kids were telling her, people were getting their cards flipped!!! THEY were the ones in trouble! BUT:The thing she said in between it was what amazed me: what if they tell their parents? tell their parents...tell their parents... tell their parents...There was no accountability that their kid could actually being acting like a little idiot. I was in shock. I apologized and said I didn't realize my tone was sharp, because I was trying to kid with him to diffuse a situation. I didn't argue with her. I didn't tell her I was a nurse. I didn't tell her she was a fucking idiot, that the kid was screwing with me, because that's what kids do when there's a sub, especially when they are getting in trouble.

 When I started subbing, I got told to stop sending the kids down for every little thing they said. The office said to only send them down if they look sick or feel warm. I still remember the days when my Elementary school Principal paddled people. That's what Public School is. Charter Schools seem to worry more about what will the parents think, than actually telling the parent what they are doing. If that's the difference, then I'm PS all the way. School is not a business. It's not about pleasing the consumer/parent. It's there to educate children, who hopefully grow into responsible adults. The LAST THING Southeast Michigan needs, is to create another generation of kids that aren't accountable for their actions. Cough. Kwame. jail Cough. Kwame's Wife fired last week. Cough DETROIT POLITICIANS. Because that's what this area really needs. Did you guys know that only 8,000 people live in Detroit? It used to be the biggest city in the country at one point in time. Because it's Ghetto here. I can only imagine that L.A. is worse.  And that's because they actually have people there.

But why should I be surprised, when this happened to one of my best friend's (the Dad with the ridiculous beard, not the mom) the week before:



I could not believe this. Why are we punishing kids-that still play Cops n Robbers-but don't do anything about the REAL problem (instead the Government shuts down for THIS very reason tonight-access to medical care) Gage is a sweetheart. He's not going to shoot up a public building. I bet if he went to the Charter School, Jonathan wouldn't have even heard about this. But instead, it became national news. This has me going into my second rant letter, so I'll stop here. I wonder if all the people that have shot up public buildings in the last year attended Charter Schools. 

These are my opinions, and this is what I feel. Sorry if my opinions are offensive to you. I rarely post my "rants", but I'm really upset about this government thing. I swear to God, I hope there is a revolution soon. What is going to happen to my daughter's generation? And hers? And hers? It's going to look like District 9 by then. Things have to change. I get paralyzed and sick when I think about the toxic world (why do you think so many people have cancer? Do you even know how many people have cancer right now?) and lazy people are killing the Earth. We are killing the rainforests, and MANY cancer curing drug has been from a biological agent? Meaning some plant found, that they are able to replicate. See? This runs through my brain. This is why I have such bad anxiety. Is anyone else like this? Or am I just some freak? Because I worry about this stuff a lot when I'm not busy.  Ok, stopping for real.

Go read this stuff. Shane posted a very thoughtful post on addiction
Want to read an awesome blog? One of my faves is Allison's: She's on an awesome positive kick after having a horrible week. She is really inspiring to me, because she is capable of being so honest. Her life is getting really exciting: she's about to marry her lovely mustached man, she just moved into a new home with him, and she just got a new job. 

Sunday, September 29, 2013

worries

Going through the past week's email filled with the blogs that I love, I've noticed that I'm not the only one that feels down. A lot of women feel stressed this week/end. They are women busy with life and dealing with real BS, they are women busy with their families and raising kids, they are women moving into new places and making it their own, they are women who make beautiful things, and they are women that are just down-bc it doesn't seem like they do much that would make their life stressful...oh my mistake, she broke her makeup.

I like following tons of different kinds of blogs. My IG followings are over 1000. I follow people that make a ton of stuff with fabric, whether its quilts, garments, bags, ect. or maybe they are designers or sell fabric. I love looking at them. I also follow a ton of different clothing stores, and make up stores, and vintage stores.I love women that dress like pin ups from the 50s...I follow a lot of them. I follow anyone I find that has pretty pictures. It's easy to talk to people. It would be weird to comment on a bunch of stranger's facebook....but IG is really anonymous, and I like that. An illusion of being social without really being social.

I weighed myself today and I'm down about it. I thought I've lost a bit of weight, but I've gained some. I don't understand how I've gained 10 pounds in a few months, when it took 10 years to gain 10 pounds. I'm not active. Not at all. It's really hard to get active when you are trying to restrict food-plus I'm not the one buying the food. This isn't a new problem (restriction). It goes back to 1992 or so. I've become more accepting of my body, but not fitting into my clothes, refusing to buy new ones-because I get SO depressed trying to find clothes that fit 5 feet tall people. I've not left my house a lot lately. I did dig through my closet and found a pair of pants I can wear....but this body weight shit is old. I don't know why it still hurts. A few people even texted me this weekend, and I just "hid" out from them. My FB is off conversation. I know I'm isolating. I know this isn't good for me. I was even sad last week, that nobody noticed I wasn't around, and then people reach out, and I just ignore them. I plan on answering tomorrow though. I JUST started to work, but I'm broke. I understand why all kinds of women are stressed. And most of their lives are way more complicated than mine (I started complicated when I was 16...now my kid is 17, a great kid, and doesn't require much :)). For the first time in 15 years, I took a break from chasing guys. It's been over a year now. i'm kinda relieved that I don't have to care about another person right now. I can do what I want. I don't know if you understand that...but maybe it has to do with how I feel right now. i don't want anyone interrupting me.

To be honest, I've been coming off a med that I've been taking for over 3 years now. I was on 2 mg and I'm down to 1mg. Depression comes with this. I just don't understand why I'm turning into a dough ball this year...i KNOW i have to get active. And it's time to really do that. I'm looking at these fitbit gadgets, that if I spend $$ on, then I know that I will use it. Plus it's really easy for me to become addicted to it. And out of everything in my life that I've been obsessively drawn to, fitness is not a bad thing to be addicted to.

If I don't become active, then I have to take new meds-because coming of this med can cause depression and anxiety. I can't take any addictive medication or narcotics. I'm allergic to them. One for blood pressure! There is nothing wrong with my BP, but it's been proven to work for my symptoms. This last mg is going to be the hardest. I'm actually a few months ahead that what I originally planned to be.

So hopefully next month looks up. I LOVE fall and Halloween.
My days will be filled with substitute teaching, coming off this med, and looking for a nursing job that I WANT to do. I need to be off this med first, and not start a new job all stressed out. I will definitely be more active because I'll be constantly up and walking around a classroom. My life right now is sad. If I told you what my day consisted of you would feel sorry for me.

Have you seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall? First of all, I love Mila Kunis & Jason Segel. Mila because she's so pretty and she's Meg's voice, and Jason because he's awkwardly tall-and I know how that feels being so small. My guy friends have urges to pick me up and throw me like a baby...at least when i wasn't a dough ball :(  The ending is my favorite part. Insert amusing smile. Before he starts to pick himself up from his depression, there's a scene where he's in bed, looks at the clock-it's 2:something PM, and he pulls the covers back on his head. That is how I feel almost all of the time. I just want to sleep, so I don't have to think. I know that something great is going to happen beyond the horizon-like a super awesome vampire musical-but I have to get that to happen somehow. And I'm clueless, stuck, and kinda lost. Plus I've never been active in my life on purpose. I don't understand why someone would run on purpose, if not in extreme danger from a murderer or a snake. Being sore and sweaty are not fun at all. I hate both.

And then throw this bullshit body issue on top of that, and I turn into a mess. I know it's because I don't like something about myself. But I don't know what it is. I've accepted this, and I don't harm myself anymore, and haven't for over 5 years with binging and purging/purging....so I try to restrict food more. And restricting yourself to a few cans of Coke today is probably is what is poisoning my body. I probably have some sort of gut bacterial imbalance. Or my guts are so clean, that I have a lack of gut bacteria. I don't know. It sucks.

So tomorrow is a new day. If I can get up and walk around the block, I know I can make it to the vampire show. I have to. There is no other choice, besides waiting longer.


PS: Sarah Marshall: my fave part is the psychiatrist song. When I get mad, I yell the same way.